The Pain of Shopping

I have determined that there is a direct correlation between how much men like to oogle models of a certain piece of apparel and the humiliation associated with buying that item for most American women.

Take swmsuits, for example. An entire issue of Sports Illustrated is devoted to them. Not sure when modeling swimsuits became a sport, but it's been SI's #1 selling issue for decades. Yet swimsuits rank well above jeans as one of the purchases women dread having to make.

Does this swimsuit make my ass look big?

Honey, your ass IS big, the swimsuit just lets everyone see just how big it is.


Next on the list: bras. Those Victoria's Secret commercials make bras look so sexy, so mysterious, so magical in the way they make little tiny model size A boobs look like something so much more.

Yeah. Uh huh.

Take, for example, my shopping goal of this weekend: find a bra that fits under a special occasion dress I bought for an upcoming client event. The event is black tie -- not just any dress will do, yet it's still a work occasion, so plunging necklines and high hemlines just won't do. I found a phenomenal dress at a consignment store in my neighborhood -- a measly $29 for the dress which fits me perfectly and is a style I love. Only problem is the sheer material that makes the "straps" of the dress, requiring a strapless bra.

No problem, right? After all, I'm not looking for a bra that accommodates a plunging neckline, a plunging back, no criss cross applesauce needed, just strapless. I shouldn't even have to go to Victoria's Secret for this one, I should be able to get one at JCPenney's at their 30% off sale.

And to make things a little more interesting, Lindsey accompanied me. I'm not sure if she's scarred for life after the experience, she certainly has a new appreciation for "boobies," though, and spent many minutes gazing at the lingerie models and fingering the pretty panties on the tables.

JCPenney's was a bust, no pun intended. Sure they've got strapless bras, on sale, mind you, $17.99! Sweet. Okay, looking for my size...looking for my size...yup, still looking for my size...going to the women's section...right cup size, wrong band width....looking for my size....aaaannd we're done. Couldn't even find one to TRY ON.

Wow, I could do this all day but as delicious as that sounds, I'd rather not. So I head straight to Victoria's Secret where I know they'll have my size but I will also drop more money than the dress cost.

I pick up one strapless bra and one convertible bra. What the hell does that mean? you ask. Can you DRIVE them around? No, it means that if I choose not to wear it as a strapless bra it's got straps I can put on and wear it like a normal bra. Prices? $42 for the one style and $53 for the other.

I try the first one on -- not too bad, but it's scrunching my boobs together like pages in a book. But at least you can't see any part of the bra through the sheer of the dress.

I should've just said "done deal" and left. But no, I wanted to see if I could get something else that wouldn't be quite as smothering. And I was given the busiest and most memory-impaired fitting person to work with. I ring the buzzer inside the dressing room, a nice little feature of VS so you don't have to leave your dressing room and flash everyone.

Employee: Hi, do you need help?

Me: Yes, I'm looking for a strapless bra to go under this dress, I tried this one on but want some other options.

E: Okay, what size?

I tell her my size.
Pause. Long pause. Awkward pause.

E: Okay, let me see what I can get for you.

Several minutes later she hands through the door two regular bras with straps, but my size.

Me (handing bras back): Uh, these have straps.

E: Oh, oops! Just a minute.

Several minutes later, a strange brown and a tan bra are thrust through the door.

E: Here you go.

Me: Uh....these are A cups.

E: Oops, sorry those are for someone else. Here are the ones for you.

I go to try them on, only to find they are ONE cup size too small. Hmmm....is she perhaps in her professional opinion trying to tell me she thinks I'm trying on bras too big, in some ridiculous show of big boobism? So I try one on -- yep, even smaller, definitely spilling out the top. NOT my size. I ring the buzzer again.

Me: These aren't the right size. Forget it, can you just give me back the first one I tried on? I believe you took it.

E: Oh, sorry, let me look for it. Hmmm...I'm not sure where I put it.

Me: Forget it, I'll just go get it myself.

I did finally try on some other styles -- some had material sticking out the sides, others looked like wings with material floating out of the top. Really, people? This shouldn't be this hard!

Lindsey was having fun checking out the bras -- some of the ones I tried on even had little pockets where pouches of water had been placed to help "push up" your breasts, she found those fascinating. And seriously people, what size do you need to be before people STOP thinking your boobs need to look even bigger? She tried a bra on and strutted around pretending she had boobies. Eventually she entertained herself with pretending to sleep on the chaise lounge just outside the fitting rooms.

I ended up with the original style that I had tried on, which I had to go get myself. Cost, you ask?

$42, or a full 44% more than the dress cost.

At least I'll be wearing the bra more than once, which is more than I can say for the dress.

Next shopping adventure: shoes to match. Aarrrgh!